This Psalm Saved My Life By Ann Marie Cowdrey

The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. –Psalm 34:19

By Ann Marie Cowdrey

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The words of Psalm 34:19 saved my life. They mysteriously appeared in the form of a 2″x1” card placed on my desk in the fall of 2021. After asking several people who I suspected might have left it for me, I can only guess where it came from.

In the lead-up to receiving the card, I had slowly, but surely, let my profession consume me. How that happened is a story for another day. Suffice it to say, that by the time I received the card, the stress of my job had hit a crescendo. I wasn’t sleeping or eating well and, worst of all, I had lost confidence in my abilities. My usual crutch in times of doubt—working harder—was only making these symptoms worse. Even though I wanted to quit, I felt trapped. My clients and co-workers were relying on me. Also, why would I want to quit a position—senior partner at a global law firm—that I had worked more than 25 years to achieve? If I was going to quit, I needed to do it on my terms. Quitting is an admission of defeat—something you were never, ever supposed to do. These and other thoughts kept running through my head. I kept trying to power through my circumstances, thinking that things would eventually get better. They did not. So, in the summer of 2022, I did what was once unthinkable. I quit my job.

The first several weeks after my resignation, I felt a sense of complete relief and release. I knew in my heart that a just and merciful God desires me to have a life filled with peace, joy, and laughter; completely opposite from what my life had become. However, after the feelings of relief and elation wore off, fear and insecurity took over. Now what was I going to do? I was 55 years old, a divorced mother to a then 13-year-old son, a daughter to aging parents with no safety net. Although I had done some financial planning and had money saved up, I wasn’t prepared to retire early. I spent many days after dropping off my son from school, alone in my kitchen crying and worrying about my future. My days that were once booked with meetings, conference calls and concern for my clients’ needs, were now blank slates. I was terrified.

My saving grace was that I had my son, my parents, and a few close friends to comfort me. I also had Saint Michael as my church home to lean into. I rang several of the priests, including Robin Hinkle and Bob Johnston. Both were seasoned lawyers, in addition to being priests. I knew they would understand what I was going through and could lend a listening ear. They were instrumental in helping me transform the extreme pain, fear, and loneliness I was experiencing into another way of life, one that I never imagined possible.

Based on the advice and recommendations from Robin and Bob, here are some of the steps I took that led me to a path of healing and reconnection to my true self —my spirit—which I had largely ignored for the majority of my working life.

First, spend 15 to 30 minutes each day reading scripture. The Book of Common Prayer’s Daily Office Lectionary (the “Daily Office”) makes this practice easy to follow. The Daily Office is organized in a two-year cycle, starting and ending with Advent. I started this practice on September 6, 2022, which was Year Two in the Daily Office because Advent 2021 preceded an even year. We are currently in Year Two because Advent 2023 preceded an even year (2024). Identifying the correct yearly cycle is the hardest part. Once you do that, the daily readings are organized by day and week. For example, today is Saturday, March 16, which is in Week Four of Lent. If you scroll down to the readings for Saturday, you will find the appointed readings for the day. They include verses from each of the Psalms, the Old Testament and the New Testament, which are all connected in some way. It became a daily challenge to identify the common theme in each day’s appointed reading and kept me motivated to continue my practice. Robin advised me to not skip the Psalms readings. These are the verses without a prefix identifying the relevant Bible book. This was really helpful advice, because when you are going through a period of trial, the Psalms give you comfort that you are not alone in that experience. You realize that human beings over millennium have been struggling with essentially the same issues that we face today. At the point in time when I started my scripture reading practice, I was feeling extreme grief for my job loss and, at the same time, grief for the loss of a significant relationship which occurred shortly before my job loss. It was like a one-two gut punch. The Psalms taught me to resist the urge of defending myself and/or lashing out against others who you believe caused your unfortunate circumstances. This only leads to more pain. Instead, turn your pain and suffering over to God and trust that his plan for transforming the wrongs in your life is better than you can imagine.

Second, open yourself to a volunteer opportunity that calls you. There is nothing like volunteering to get out of your own head. I knew this to be true but was having trouble breaking in. So, I prayed that God would make something known. As it turned out, I reconnected with a friend, Susan Jones, while attending a worship service on Sunday evening. We learned about the opportunity to serve as an acolyte during service. Susan suggested that we participate in the acolyte training and plug into that ministry. Although it took some convincing, my son also completed the training. Now, Susan, my son, and I regularly serve together at the 9 a.m. service. J.C. and Jeanne Snead, who lead the acolyte corps, were so welcoming and always have a kind word for us. Separately, Mother Robin connected me with a volunteer opportunity with Stephen C. Foster Elementary. When you are feeling like your life has no meaning or purpose, spending an hour with a child who is grateful to simply be in your presence will change your mindset. Foster Elementary is a special place, filled with God’s blessings. Saint Michael offers endless opportunities to volunteer. I recommend to everyone, especially to those of you who are feeling stuck, to find something that works with your schedule and stick with it. It will benefit you as much or more than the people and communities you are serving.

Third, make worship a regular part of your life. By this, I mean attend a Sunday service or Rector’s9 Bible Study. My go-to service is Sunday mornings at 9 a.m. However, if I’m traveling over the weekend and not back in town for the 9 a.m. service, I’ll attend the Sunday evening 5:30 p.m. service. Both are wonderful and I always come away with something to think about and work on. Many times, I will replay a sermon that really moved me. Many of the sermons are posted online shortly after the service concludes. I find that listening to things more than once helps sink in the message. Or you may hear something new the second (or third) time depending on your mind space that day. I also try to attend in person or listen online to Chris Girata’s weekly Rector’s Bible Study. Father Chris is currently teaching on the Gospel of John which, he would be the first to tell you, is difficult material. However, Father Chris tackles the material in a very non-intimidating way. In fact, if you attend or participate online you will notice how many people ask questions and are engaged in the material. Saint Michael is gifted with the most amazing priests and other spiritual leaders. Tap into their wisdom, energy, and joy. It is contagious!

Which brings me back to the Psalm I mysteriously received that day in my former office. I know now that the words printed on that card gave me the courage to step into the unknown and to fully embrace the fear and loneliness that often comes with radically changing your life. I am now back practicing law, but in a small law firm environment where I feel supported by my colleagues and don’t have the constant pressures of producing. I don’t make as much money, but frankly the money wasn’t worth what I was giving up. I now have more time in my life to devote to things that matter to me, such as my relationships with God, family and friends, hobbies, and volunteer work. I am sleeping well and feel energized and hopeful for what comes next. That doesn’t mean that my life is full of rainbows and unicorns. I still have down days and lapse into negative thinking. I am human. The difference is that I don’t let these times and feelings distract me from the path that I am on. It is a daily choice, but I now have the tools and foundation to keep me on the path that God has graciously laid before me.

**This article was written by Ann Marie Cowdrey and was featured in the 2024 Summer Archangel.